Tony Freakin' Romo

story by Billy McFarland
October 15, 2008

DALLAS – Angry about the loss on Sunday against the Cardinals? You have nobody to blame but David Blaine.

The Texas State Fair opened last week. To mark the event, David Blaine and Tony Romo lived in the Gravitron for the entire week, a ride that spins at such high speeds the floor drops out and you stick to the wall while listening to 80’s music at dangerously high levels. Romo stepped out of the Gravitron and immediately onto the field in Arizona to play a football game; David Blaine was lamely carried away by cables into the night sky.

“By the end of the game the world had finally stopped spinning,” said Romo, while teaching a small group of children sign language. David Blaine could not be reached for comment, but is rumored to have been signed by the St Louis Rams. General Manager Nick Guerra is quoted saying “After being confined with Tony Romo for that long, it would be impossible for him to not be able to throw touchdown passes.”

story by Billy McFarland
October 1, 2008

DALLAS – Tony Romo’s loss in Sunday’s game vs the Washington Redskins was not an apparition, but an act of charity. Romo decided to not just give the Redskins the win but also announced something unprecedented, he is going to also give the Redskins some of their land back. “When the season is over, the Redskins will be allowed to live inside Texas Stadium” said Tony Romo after the game in the locker room.

Redskin higher-ups have already decided to turn Texas Stadium into a large casino. While the idea is quite intriguing, it wouldn’t be considered wise to gamble at the new establishment as the Redskins also announced that winning on these slot machines will be just as difficult as beating Tony Romo. “We know he let us win, these slot machines won’t have nearly as much heart.” Said Redskin Owner Daniel Snyder.

GREEN BAY, WI – Beating The Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field for the first time ever in Cowboys’ history wasn’t the biggest thing to come out of Sunday’s game. The Packer faithful were in a sold out Lambeau Field to see history being made. However, it was not the Cowboys ending their winless streak in Green Bay. The biggest souvenir seller in Packers’ history, the cheese head, took a backseat to the newest craze among fans of all teams league-wide.

That’s right; Romo-Heads are the hottest item to hit the scene since foam fingers. “It was a little weird seeing all those Romo-Heads out there where the cheese-heads would normally be” said Packers’ assistant to the assistant equipment manager Brent Dawson. “I guess it just a sign of the times. Romo is the best player ever and I can see why every fan would want to bathe in his greatness. Hey, you’re not going to use this, are you?” I guess every team will have to see the eerie reminder of the football god, Tony Romo, when they look into their stands when facing the Cowboys.

story by Anthony Perez
September 18, 2008

DALLAS – Tony Romo tried his hardest to let the Eagles win on Monday night, but they still couldn’t do it. Romo decided to help even the 7 point spread in Vegas by throwing an interception and giving the Eagles not just a safety, but a full-fledged touchdown. The Eagles lost all hope when they actually saw Tony Romo in person.

Receiver Deshaun Jackson nearly scored a touchdown on Romo but quickly thought better of it. An inside source of TonyFreakinRomo.com reportedly heard Jackson in the locker room telling McNabb, ” I was runnin, and, I ain’t gonna lie I was excited for a second, but then I realize we was gonna lose anyway so f*ck it. I just threw that sh*t down.” McNabb told the rookie he was wise beyond his years.

story by Seth Cowles
September 13, 2008

DALLAS – At a recent press conference to update the progress on the new Cowboys Stadium, Owner Jerry Jones has something else brand new for 2009. The Cowboys’ new stadium is state of the art, so why shouldn’t Jerry’s face be as well.

Jerry’s new look is surprisingly similar to his star quarterback’s face. In a quote from Jerry, “If you want to be the best, you got to look like the best.” The crowd of reporters didn’t seem to know what the hell Jerry was talking about, but because he has more money than god, nobody said anything.

Tony Romo spent the bye weekend in Mexico with girlfriend / bad luck / hot white chick with killer credit Jessica Simpson in Mexico vacationing and starting a reverse psychology / anti illegal immigration program on our south of the border amigo, Mexico. By spending time there many of the locals are now being convinced that maybe Mexico isn’t such a bad place after all.

One local said ” I was planning on having a coyote sneak me across the border but when I heard that El Romo was going to be here I thought, if Mexico is good enough for El Romo to visit, well then it must be good enough for me to stay.”

Others dont quite agree. Hector Vasquez has been deported three times and doesn’t plan on missing the Cowboys first play off game, ” I’d rather buy a play off ticket and watch El Romo in action than fix my papers, I just hope they dont check IDs at the game. Go Caballeros.”